There’s a little black cloud

Today I’m feeling low. I’m hoping that will change in at least the next hour or so. I started going to the gym. And when I say I started that means I went in Friday and so far haven’t had the motivation to go again. I keep aiming to get out of bed early but it really difficult if I haven’t something super urgent to get to. Like work, or and appointment. I’m putting things off, I know, and that’s only because I’m scared. Scared of big things. Almost frozen in time even.

I hate feeling like this. It’s the worst. I was doing well for ages but my mindset has almost reset to what it like before. But NO MORE. Today I aim for positivity and almost in an annoying way. As soon as I hit that treadmill, the endorphins will kick in and I will get over myself.

Time for a new adventure. Care to join me?

“Don’t ask, don’t want. Don’t ask, don’t get.” – my great grandmother

I try to be honest….

As the title say I try to be an honest person…. the last few days  have been really bloody hard…. I found out on Tuesday (5pm conference call) at work that the company was going into administration and myself and the rest of myteam were being made redunant. 5:15pm I close the doors and we were officially closed. From then until 3.30pm yesterday we worked are fucking arses off at closing the store down to the perfect company standards. In many ways this has been a huge relife for me but also a huge hardship as not only am I now officially unemployed but also I have recently felt the massive weight on my shoulders lifted and I feel free……also I have to look after my little family that I built over the last nearly 2 years. On a personal note I know that this is what I wanted.. a way out of the job I hate but the team I loved. now I am free to do whatever I want and my options are now endless. I can focus on the theatre work and acting I’ve been lusting for for so long, I can finally look after the business I have been longing to develop and actually take of my home life like I’ve been needing to do for so long. On another further note: I can blog more or stream or do whatever I want!

On the downside I will still need to make money. Does that mean I take up a part time, look towards my artist pursuits or do I sell out and take yet another Store Manager role and hate every minute of it? My ultimate plan is to stream, further my acting career and also lead Acting workshops and coaching to my hearts content. but in all honesty, will anyone buy it? A huge chunk of me is UTTERLY TERRIFIED. but I know with the friends and loved ones I ahev I’ll be fine. This weekend I have is all about planning and making sure that my future is all set out for me.

Currently, my cat is jumping off of every surface he can find and I don’t feel panicked or anxious about him distracting me because I am purely focused on this. There are so many projects that I am working towards and this recent redundancy has only built a fire inside of me and urged me to do what I want to do. I haven’t cried over the loss of the job, I don’t feel anxious about not having enough money to do support me and my loved ones… I know everything will work out. In the mean time, fellow bloggers I urge you to check out We Are Brave Humans.

Also, those who are in the Essex area (or beyond and are willing to travel), I am performing in a pretty great play next month if you want come and see me in person…Be it, just performing or meet me afterwards… You can get tickets for the play here —> Lemons, lemons, lemons, lemons, lemons.

In the meantime, I hope to type/see you all more. Peace out and have a good one!

Is it only once a fortnight?

Not so true. I decided to take a minor hiatus. Give or take a fornight…I’ve been sort of proccupied with previous engagements… This last week has includd performing on stage in a One Act play caled Numbers. I am currently (very patiently) waiting on the local review in the newspaper along with the Adjudicator’s account on my performance, the set and everything else that could potentially good or bad about the production. the last show I was in, I felt like an awful wreck, this time around I couldn’t care less.

Like tonight, I went for an audition for a local am dram production and I’m not sure if I cared or if I cared too much. Because of my accent and my physique I fell like that held me back. It’s also like what myself and my friends were chatting about tonight. We are so empowering with our friends problems and insecurities that when it comes to our own, we don’t want to hear about it. We just either deny any emotion we have or elude ourselves to any fear or aspect or self rejection we may have. “You are perfect the way are you are” or “don’t say that, I’d kill to be you”….but as soon as the attention is turned on you (ie “ME”) then there is an instant rejection of recognition or praise that could ever possibly be accepted. I’ve never been the praise accepting type. And I don’t even mean that in a modest or ironic way.

Let’s just say that these last weeks have been about self reflection and this last week especially I have felt slightly jaded and simutaniously grateful for what I have been doing. On the bright side, today I have been proactive and ACTUALLY made a list of agents and casting directors to contact for my next production… Also do not judge… but my further proactivity has been sponsored/fueled by a mix of Billie eilish and Miley Cyrus…. Kill me now and beat me with a huge teenie bopper baseball bat….

 

PEACE OUT until next time.

And so it is…

Sometimes I write my blog titles before I even “decide” what I want to write about. Perfect planning eh? Well, since posting I have finally turned 30 and we are now in 2020! Happy New Year everyone! I have now decided that whether I (and others) like it or not, this year, this decade, my life is going to be MUCH better. I’ve already said what I want to do in a previous post so I probably won’t repeat again… I spent a good 20 minutes or so recordning my phone voice on my phone, chatting crap after 4 drinks. Some was smart but most of it was continuous repeats of what I’ve said before on this blog. I like to think my posts as unexpected as life…. like right now. This morning I never though that by 11:45pm I’d be tipsyly(?) listening to *NSync’s album No Strings Attached…..but here I am. A 30 year old, listening to an album I haven’t listened to in LITERALLY 20 years. but life throws you curveballs I suppose!

Tomorrow should be a fun one though. I have a rehearsal for a play of which I shall be performing in a couple of weeks and that I don’t know all of my lines… I am so unprepared and nowhere near I should be. I feel like I’m drowning a little but a large part of me knows that tomorrow will make things better……I am so naiive. Save me?

*Switches to Westlife*

I feel like I am having some sort of nostalgia overload…. Here I sit infront of high end gaming PC, listening to this classic Irish Boy band through my Hyper X Cloud headphones…. ACTUALLY, I’m mouthing the words with such passion and enthusiasm that it’s like I’m a youngster again. Most people would laugh at me but screw you. I’m actually proud that even though I haven’t listened to them in nearly 20 years that I remember the words…..that’s true dedication. This post is kind of ALL OVER the place but that’s how mind works. No apologies, no explanations but I’m just being matter of fact…. Funny thing is, on this very computer I have a ‘sticky note’ on my desktop of all the planned posts I aim to write up… in the end, life just doesn’t that way. When inspiration calls and after a few drinks or more, sometimes you just want to type mindlessy onto a keyboard and see what happens. I could apologise for my mindless rambling but I hope it’s been some sort of comfort, entertainment and has helped you relate. In the meantime, here’s my usual postly quote and even a bonus reference post for Westlife….enjoy my lovelies!

The world is governed by chance. Randomness stalks us every day of our lives.

– Paul Auster

 

knocking on 30s door….

This is one blog post I have to check off of my list….As I listen to Disney tunes (in this case… I currently type to “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast…the original of course.).. I’ve had this post on a list on my PC for the last few days via my sticky posts and at last I am completing it at last…. At the moment I am currently typing via my new GAMING PC… of course that whole announcement for this is for another post.

Let’s just say that my topic is based on my age. As the song changes on Deezer (because I can’t remember my Spotify log in and I feel jazzy) I feel my hips sway and I “feel like a cat” and mouth “oh a rinky, tinky, tinky”… I’m not making sense. Let’s just say that as each song changes my mood adapts to it. “A Whole New World”….my mood adapts to a optimistic crazy person. Time to change the genre….. Billie Eilish helps for a momentary minute. Your beats helps me beat in a good flow. “Duh”….

Time for some Swifty and your album that adapts to the year I was born….1989. Ok time to get back on track. In (now) 15 minutes I change into a different decade….I become 30. I’m not scared, I’m actually excited. Part of me is like “Hey everybody! I’m finally becoming what the the grown ups call an ‘Adult’ even though I’ve legally been one since I was 18!”…. I know I’m kind of far from being sensed as an adult but fuck it and everyone’s expectations. Tonight has been really lovely. Although my day at work was busy and crazy I had tonight to look forward to. Not many people know but my husband and I share our birthdays…..he’s two years older than me.

Tonight my parents took us out for dinner, I bought a round of drinks for us all afterwards and then we went to another place for drinks. Tomorrow, I see my ‘Head Doctor’ to see “How I’ve been doing”, next is brunch/lunch with the fam….empty afternoon, rehearsals in the evening and then drinks after. Then our day is over. I actually can’t wait until I am in the middle of my 30s (although part of me is utterly terrified about my mortality) and I have long flowing silver grey hair. All I can say is, I have no idea what the future holds but I feel like this new decade, this new year and everything inbetween is going to  be exciting, scary but also an utterly new ADVENTURE….and I CAN’T fucking wait. Also, enjoy my true face because this is me… I don’t know if I will ever give my name but here is my face.

 

IMG_20191229_235236

 

 

 

End……of……….

 

 

 

but not end of my story.

 

The final song I’m listening to, that I suggest is this….if you want to actually feel something is this… mashup….

“With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”

– William Shakespeare

I forgot to write a witty title…

I’m an utter numpty. In case you have no idea what the definition of “numpty” is, it’s an endearing word for someone who has done a stupid or silly thing. Let me explain… As mentioned in my previous post, it’s Christmas Time which means abnormal hours, late closes harder work on people who work in retail (along with other professions). Tonight I’m working the close and as I’m used to doing a full day shift or the 9-6 part of the day, I woke up early and left the house an hour before actually needing to.

There’s a positive note to this story though. I only realised my mistake once I got to the train station so I decided to get on the train anyway. I wandered around the charity shop, got myself some plays and now sitting in Costa having myself what can only be described as a bowl of coffee. See picture below for reference!

A giant bowl of an Almond Latte. Kind of a great way to start my day. Just hoping that the caffeine hits me soon. I’m going to aim to go over some lines for a playing I’ll be performing in. Life has been crazy lately that I’ve been neglecting it. I really want to make a good job of it but the fact that my mind is a little hazy from the new medication it’s not been helping with my memory right now. It’s not long until performance week so I don’t want a repeat of a play I did before when I knew all my lines but I just kept stuttering on stage. My worst fear as a performer.

Only a few more days and then it’s Christmas, I can finally spend time with my people and relax. It’s the first time I’ll be spending the holiday with my partner’s family so it’s exciting. New traditions to be shown and hopefully lots of laughs. I’m always curious about everyone else’s Christmas traditions. What do you all do? I’m eager to hear!

You’re off to great places, today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way.

– Dr Seuss

Silent night…

I haven’t felt the urge to write. Or at least, nothing meaningful to write. Even as I type I have no idea where my post is going to do. It’s digital word vomit I suppose? There has been a myriad of things and changes that have occurred over the last week. I won’t dive into the personal stuff but I’ve become an Aunt. I’ve also been overwhelmed with work. I’m lacking personal and mental space. I’m currently on auto pilot but very quickly running out of fuel, I’m barely working on fumes. I’m going to use all the cliché phrases. “I’m being spread thin” or “My cup runneth over.” Lethargy is catching up on me.

Not to sound like a Grinch but I actually hate this time of year. Christmas. The festive season. This time only makes me dread going out of the house where there are hoard of zombies looking for the best price on a gift for a person that more than likely doesn’t need it. Sounds pessimistic but it’s kinda true. It puts pressure on those having to sell too. I work in Retail. This means more time at work, longer nights in an empty shop, in a ghost town and less time with your family, friends and loved ones. Oh, and no real time off either. It’s only Christmas day off (which is used as one of your allocated days off by the way) and days like Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, NYE/NY day is just regular pay…. No overtime pay.

I understand that this time of year brings out the worst in people but also it’s the time of year to be decent to other human beings. I see my work colleagues more than my own family as it is during the rest of the year. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I’m going to leave it there with a quote by an amazing duo I look up to. I recommend listening to their Podcast, watch their documentary and also checked out their friend Matt D’Avella. This a quote that scream to me.

“Love people. Use things because the opposite never works.” – The Minimalists

“You are more interesting and less interested than you think.” Joshua field Millburn
Being spread thin. My cup runneth over. Being more hands on. Lethargy catching up on me. Doctors appointment.